It's All In HIS Plan

 

 


So, this post was supposed to be about our wavering decision to have a third child. But since i wrote the title, a lot has changed so i'm not sure it still applies.. well kinda.

Like the last post said, life is already SO busy and full with our two BIG personality, energetic kiddos but... my heart and mind would just not stop telling me that we aren't done. At 28 and now 29, we weren't done having children. Once we had our first I had said, "three by 30" sounded good. Now that our 'baby' is 2 it was kind of now or never in our minds. We couldn't believe the time had come so quickly, we got pregnant with Tayt when Trenton was about 14 months old so that age gap has long come and gone and there we were. To try for the third or not. THREE?! It has never seemed like so many kids until you are knees deep with two littles. Looking at others with three doesn't even look that bad, but thinking of adding another diaper wearing, dependent on us, mouth to feed/breastfeed, butt to wipe, non-communicating little person to this family seemed like SUCH a big deal. Financially, emotionally, physically (another pregnancy!?) ahhh all of it seemed like such a bigger feat this time around. We always knew we would have two.. we have never been the type of people to have an only child but now we were suddenly faced with what i would have never would have thought to have been such a hard decision. I have always wanted this.. why am i wavering so much now?! I guess if Shaun was really for or against having another it would have helped the indecision, but he was more like "if you want to, we will". Which i love him for. I know he was perfectly happy with two and he comes from two all the way up his family tree so two kids is very comfortable for him. Me however, being from three, it is weird for Trenton to only have Tayt and vice versa. I don't know why that's weird but not what i've known and always thought about our family looking like. So there we were...literally one day I would be fine with not having another and Shaun would want another, then the next day we would switch feelings. It was such a hard decision! We were completely on the fence, both of us. One day i read on a blog something that changed my view and made me (well us) go for a third; the woman said, "don't think of it as adding to your crazy life of babies right now, think about the life you want and you want for them down in the future". Or something along those lines. Point being, throwing another infant into the crazy mix right now is absolutely terrifying to us, BUT we want that bigger family in the future. We want the three kids later. We want the three young adults later. We want the three adults coming home and all of their spouses and children, later. We want the life that my parents have now, then. So, to do that, we have to have that third baby, now. Seems like a duh moment, but it made so much more sense to me that way. It was like alllrightttt, fine! haha. Don't get me wrong, i am so happy with these two and would love life like this forever but another baby will just add to this amazing joy and family we have created. And, i do LOVE babies.. you know how some people love toddlers or older kids once they can play and interact? Well, i am one of those people who really loves the baby... the smell, the breastfeeding, the carrying, all of it. So I am excited to have another one of those, its just adding all that to the other kids is a little overwhelming. Nevertheless, we started trying!

And..... we got pregnant in May and announced it to our family at my birthday dinner in June. The baby was due Feb 14th, 2017, valentines day. We were so happy, not happy about not drinking the yummmy wine at my birthday dinner but so happy for the best birthday present that Shaun could have ever given me, another little life! We went on a couple family vacations.. very sober vacations (for me) and at about 8 weeks i started bleeding. I was at home and i called the doctor immediately. The nurse on the other line didn't have good news but wanted to see me. I just knew... I was shocked at how emotional i was. I was beside myself. Trenton kept asking why i was crying and was so concerned, and i had to explain to him that the baby had gone to heaven and isn't going to come out of mommys tummy. It was so hard. He was so sweet and supportive, "Its ok mommy, you can just make another one". Tayt and his big hugs made me feel better and worse at the same time. I kept thinking, look at these beautiful children you have been blessed with, its ok. But, on the other hand, to me i had just lost another one of those beautiful children... a Trenton or a Tayt. That was really hard for me to swallow. Shaun had a hard time with it too, not so much about loosing the baby but more about not being able to understand how i was feeling since it was so early and was inside me, not him. He hated to see me so upset and couldn't do much to make me happy. So he drove me to the doctor, where they gave me an ultrasound and displayed my empty uterus on a large flat-screen TV. I lost it, I thought that is just about the last thing i needed to see why would they do this? Look if you want but you don't need to show me what i already know. It was the weirdest feeling waking up the next day, not pregnant. After having two healthy pregnancies, you think once you get pregnant, that you can't get un-pregnant.. it just stays in there. But, I've learned in more cases then i ever thought, like 1 in 10 pregnancies that's not the case and they end in miscarriage. As the weeks went on and i confided in friends, i learned many of them had had miscarriages too, which i never knew about! Its not something that many people talk about  but I needed to talk about it. I slowly felt better about it and came to an understanding that God has a better timing and this one wasn't meant to be. Maybe He thought i needed more time to make sure i wanted a third, maybe that pregnancy wasn't healthy and so it ended on its own, and early thank the good Lord. Early or not, it was hard but i came to peace with it.

The doctor did say that everything looked ok and that we could start trying again after two full cycles. Oh which reminds me, after he took out my IUD the doctor did tell us to wait a certain amount of time after for things to heal and be healthy for a fetus to survive and we did get pregnant very shortly after which does explain a lot, to me. So this time, we wanted to wait the full amount of time that the doctor recommended this time before trying again to make sure this one stuck. Well 6 months went by of trying.. we have never tried that long. I couldn't believe that it was taking so long.. i thought maybe this isn't meant to be!? And back on the fence we were... i found myself thinking "this sucks, now we have to 'decide' all over again". It was like we got a second chance of staying a family of four oooooorrrr trying for that third again. We had mixed feelings all over again. Also now knowing the feeling of a loss, was terrified to get pregnant again. I think its a normal feeling to feel like they will all end in loss after a miscarriage, or many (God forbid). I SO feel for the women who experience multiple miscarriages back to back. How emotional and defeating that must be. Child rearing is just hard work, even when they are healthy. Anyways.. back to our journey. It took a long time, for us. Which we again should be thankful about, because for many it takes much longer. It was just weird for us. And just as we (or I) was about to throw in the towel and just be happy and thankful for our two perfect children and our life as it was... we got pregnant again!

Shaun and I took an impromptu trip to Texas to check out what life would be like there, thinking it was time for a BIG change. We had the trip of our lives, besides the honeymoon, but this time so much more appreciative of the time together because we were baby free! I had an idea of when my period would be coming (or NOT) because we were trying..kinda. And it never did on our trip so i had an idea that i may have been pregnant, and Shaun made a couple of jokes about me being pregnant while we were sitting on the side of Lake Waco, but we weren't sure until we got home. I took a test immediately when we got home, made sure to wait until i was VERY late and low and behold we were pregnant! I was so excited, scared and confused but mostly excited!

Fast forward a couple of months and here we are.. five months pregnant with our third. This pregnancy really has been a whirlwind but i know the hardest is yet to come (the second half). We can't really believe that we are months away from having our third child. I caught Shaun talking to himself in the mirror saying, "I Shaun Engle am having my third child" in disbelief that he would ever have three. HAHA! I thought it was hilarious. But, the only reason we can do it is because of that man. He has created such a wonderful life for us. More on this pregnancy to follow.. Stay tuned!

xo
Momma T